My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
