I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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