Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
