her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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