I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
