Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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