I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
