not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
