Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
