I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
