wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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