He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
