I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I look better un-naked...
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
