it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
