he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
