when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
