i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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