A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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