Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
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I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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