I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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