tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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