Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
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