I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
