Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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