my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
