Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
