Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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