she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
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