as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
bring money and cleavage
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
