my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
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