Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I just gift wrapped bread.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
