I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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