Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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