i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.