Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I want to stick my p in your. b.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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