I checked into jail on foursquare
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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