Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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