im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I'm passing your future prison.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
