So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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