Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
