Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
