I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
