He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
