What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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