i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
