so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
