that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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