I just made out with a guy for $7.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
