I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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