I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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