someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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