I think I won the penis lottery.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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