I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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