I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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